BOWELS OF STEEL

The King of Southern England, Edmund Ironside, was murdered in 1016 whilst sitting on the toilet. He sat down on the wooden box, blissfully aware that an enemy knight, Eric Streona, was lurking in the pit below. Streone thrust his sword with such force up the royal back passage that it became firmly embedded in his bowels.

The King, thinking the agony was a result of constipation, strained so hard that he burst a blood vessel in his brain, and died as a result. The sword shot out of his bowel, hitting the hapless Eric on the head, knocking him senseless. He spent the rest of his life having conversations with inanimate objects and displaying a morbid fear of toilets...

PRESIDENTIAL PENIS

Felix Faure, President of France died in 1899 whilst having sex in a Paris brothel. His sudden death sent the woman into shock. His penis had to be surgically removed from her vagina.

His wife requested that the penis be buried in unconsecrated ground with a stake through the foreskin to prevent her errant husband from ghostly philanderings.

PO-ETIC JUSTICE

Michael Anderson Godwin spent years awaiting the electric chair in South Carolina. He finally had his sentence for murder commuted to life imprisonment. In March 1989, whilst sitting on the metal toilet in his cell, he attempted to fix his portable TV set. He bit into a wire and electrocuted himself.
Who said God doesn't work in mysterious ways?

Shocking!

LAUGHTER - THE BEST MEDICINE

Caroline, wife of George II was dying. As doctors operated on the near dead woman, she suddenly burst out laughing. One of the doctors had leaned too close to a candle and had set his wig on fire. She died moments later. It is not reported as to whether the doctor suffered any injury, but his wig sported a very fine comb-over as a result of it's ordeal...

I TOLD YOU I WAS ILL...

The French playwrigt Moliere died on stage whilst playing a hypochondriac in his own play Le Malade Imaginaire - The Hypochondriac.

He had been feeling quite unwell that day but his complaints fell on deaf ears as his fellow actors believed he was rehearsing for the play. It is reported that his last words were, "I told you I was ill you bunch of rotten bastards."

SNAKES ON A PLANE

A 30 year old Columbian male was caught trying to sneak through airport customs in Paris with a boa constrictor hidden in his pants.
Airport officials issued an apology to a well built man later on the same day after discovering that he did not have a boa constrictor hidden in his pants.

ANAL RETENTION

Antonia Mendoza, a Los Angeles attorney, spent over three hours in hospital having his mobile phone removed from his rectum. During the operation, it rang three times. After recovering from his ordeal in the Trauma Centre, Mendoza explained: "The dog carries my phone all over the house. He must have taken it into the shower and I slipped on a tile, fell against the dog and sat right down on the on the damn thing..."

Doctors also removed one electric toothbrush, one cappuccino frother, two root vegetables, and a vibrating chinese stress-ball from the same orifice. Mendoza had no explanation as to how these items came to be lodged inside his anus, and refused to discuss the matter further.

LIAR LIAR

Paramedics in Kennett, Missouri, rescued a man who had managed to get his penis stuck in the plug hole of his washbasin. It appears he had been trying to change a light bulb above the sink, when he slipped and fell, lodging his member in the plug-hole. The blow left his penis so bruised and swollen, that he was unable to extract it. A neighbour eventually heard his screams and called the police, who smashed down his bathroom door despite the man's protestations that he did not want to be rescued.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

FINGER LICKIN' FRIKKIN' CHICKEN

Six people died in Southern Egypt in 1997 whilst attempting to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a 60ft well. An 18 year old farmer was first to go in after the chicken, but drowned in the strong undercurrents. His sister and two brothers, neither of whom could swim, went in one after the other to help him but also drowned. Finally two elderly farmers went to help out but met with a similar fate. After the six bodies were pulled from the well - the chicken flew out unharmed. The owner, overjoyed at seeing his chicken alive, promptly wrang it's neck and cooked it for dinner.

"ANYONE FOR TENNIS?"

Whilst Anne Boleyn was being beheaded, Henry VIII went off to play tennis. It is reported that Annes last words before the axe fell were, "If he thinks I'm bothered he can go fuck himself."

HAPLESS HARRY

Escapologist Harry Houdini bragged that his stomach could withstand any blow. One day a fan landed him a punch in the gut without warning. Harry collapsed in agony, having suffered an internal rupture and died shortly afterwards. Punch teamed up with Judy and together they toured many a tacky seaside resort with the Policeman and the Crocodile. They had one baby called Baby. They spent the rest of their days battering the crap out of each other until the British Government ruled their show to be too 'violent'.

THRONE ROOM TRAGEDY

Straining to move his stubborn bowels, George II fell off the toilet and smashed his head on a cabinet. He died from his injuries. His son succeeded him in 1760. It is not documented as to whether he suffered from constipation or whether his succession to the throne was trouble-free.

RING RING YOU'RE DEAD

Ken Barger aged 47 shot himself dead in 1992 when he accidentally answered his .38 Smith and Wesson special instead of the phone. His wife, traumatised, attempted to shoot herself with the phone but realising her attempts were futile, used it to call 911 instead.

CASANOVA THE CAD

Casanova found it hard to keep track of his many lovers. He asked for the hand of a pretty girl called Leonilda, but her mother screamed and fainted when she was introduced to the gigalo. She turned out to be one of Casanova's conquests who had borne his child 17 years earlier. Casanova had been about to marry his own daughter. Incesting...

NAPOLEON BONER PART

Napoleon's stomach finished up in a silver pepper pot. His shrivelled penis went on sale at a London auction room but failed to reach it's reserve price. It was later sold privately for 3'6 to Mr Wok Ton Lee and ground up to be sold as an aphrodisiac. Cheaper than Rhino - but just as effective.

RAMPANT ROYAL

George IV clipped off a lock of hair from each woman he had sex with. He kept the locks in envelopes, each bearing the owners name. When he died, 7000 envelopes were found in his bedroom. Also found were the fleeces of 8 sheep, the tails of two donkeys, a camel, a horse, and a copious amount of goat skins...

MUSTAPHANOTHERONE

Sultan Mustapha III of Turkey fathered 582 children - all of them boys. He was regularly seen being pushed towards his Harem by a eunoch in a jewel-encrusted wheelchair.

OH WHAT A BIG BOY!

A woman in Ohio gave birth to a boy weighing 23lb 12oz in 1879. The boy and both halves of his mother survived the ordeal.

ANNIES EXTRAS

Anne Boleyn had six fingers on one hand. She wore special gloves to hide the deformity. She also had three nipples.

How ironic that she should end up with no head.

I LEFT MY WILL ON GREENBERRY HILL...

In 1678, the body of English Politician Sir Edward Berry Godfrey was found in a ditch on London's Greenberry Hill. The three men who were tried for his murder were called, Green, Berry, and Hill.

By strange coincidence, two years later, his brother died riddled with syphillis. The name of the physician who attended him? Cockburn.

FILTHY LUCRE

The Duke of Windsor was so besotted with his great love Wallis Simpson that he refused to allow her to touch used banknotes for fear her precious hands would become soiled. Every day he issued her with a wad of freshly-printed banknotes.

Little did he know that on a recent visit the Middle East, Wallis had adopted the common practice of wiping her arse with her hand and giving it a perfunctuary rinse under running water. If no water was available, Wallis found the new banknotes came in extremely handy.

Old filmreels of the time show a happy, smiling Wallis handing out used banknotes to the various wellwishers who took the time and trouble to come and say, "Hello you filthy old slut."

E = mc2

Einstein was unable to speak fluently until he was nine, causing his parents to think that he might be retarded.

When his father removed the duct tape he was astounded to find that young Albert was not only fluent in his native tongue, but also in 17 other languages.

He deduced that his son had been sneaking out of the cellar at night and receiving free tuition from the girls at the international brothel down the street.

THE GREAT BRITISH HOLIDAY

Early bras were made from two handkerchiefs tied together by ribbon. The craze took off. Before long British men adopted the fashion by wearing a knotted hanky on their head as beachwear, whilst their wives and girlfriends cowered behind windbreakers with one tit hanging out, munching on the hard fish paste sandwiches left over from the train ride to Brighton and making flaccid penis sandcastles.

The image was without exception enhanced by the wearing of a white string vest, braces, and rolled up trousers, whilst the men were happy to stroll along the beach in baggy grey y-fronts.

EVERY DAY IS AN ILLUSION

Boy George was sacked from his job as a shelf-stacker at Tesco for wearing the store's carrier bags. Tesco considered his appearance to be "disturbing".

Store Manager Bert Higgins was heard to remark to George in the staff canteen;

"Every day is an illusion - yer like a bloody chameleon you are. Bad Karma that. Wearing carrier bags on yer 'ed."

George was heard to politely advise Mr Higgins to "Stuff his shitty job up his fat saggy arse", before leaving the premises in the latest model Tesco mini skirt and bikini top.

MEIN CRAP KAMPF

There's no getting away from the fact that Mother Nature had it in for Adolf Hitler. Not only was he vertically challenged, he was follically challenged also. What is not commonly known is that the fuhrer was also testicularly challenged to boot. That is, he was born with just one testicle. Now one can hide ones shortness with a raised boot, and if one adopts a finely coiffured comb-over, one can disguise ones baldness, but how, one must ask, does one hide the fact that one only has one testicle?

"Oops I must have dropped one..."

"Someone stole it. I have reported it to the Police."

"Eva and I were having fun and the knife slipped."

You can't help but not feel sorry for the little balding monoscroted piece of shit...

FAIR AND SQUARE

There are 1,929,770,126,028,800 possible different colour combinations on a Rubiks Cube.... Makes you just want to rush out and buy a lottery ticket.

HELLO DOLLY

It may shock and surprise you to learn that Barbie sold very slowly when she first entered the toy market, as mothers were reluctant to buy their children a doll with breasts. Just goes to show you what a flat-titted bunch of repressed morons we were back then...

ALIVE AND KICKING IN MEMPHIS

7% of all Americans think Elvis is still alive.

"Ya freakin' low down lying son-of-a-biach! A jus' heard him on tha radio this mornin'!"

MANOUVRES IN THE DARK

I bet you didn't know that the penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation? Well it is - but who's gonna know..... ?

"I swear I was just shaking the drops off..."

"I have a terrible rash under my foreskin..."

"I'm just checking to see it's working properly..."

"That's not my semen - it's my wifes'!"

"Is that what it's for?"

A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY...

A wealthy Japanese businessman with obviously more money than sense, paid a staggering £110,000 for a Steiff teddy bear in 1994.

When he returned home, his wife clobbered him over the head with it repeatedly, causing him to suffer acute concussion and subsequent hospitalisation.

It appears she had told him to find her a 'stiff beddy' - a Japanese slang term for a male escort....

HE MUST HAVE BEEN METAL!

It appears that one Richard (Dick) Brown rode - presumably on a horse - for 208 miles between Edinburgh and Dumfries clad in a suit of armour. The journey took him - and presumably his horse - four days. It took him another four to rid himself of the cumbersome suit, and another two to clean himself of the bodily waste that had accumulated therein. (So when was the last time you saw someone sitting on the crapper in a suit of armour?)

ANUSWALKING

BUZZ ALDRIN'S mother's maiden name was MOON. As us followers of space travel are aware, Buzz was the second brave astronaut to set foot on the Moon. One cannot help but wonder if this strange coincidence would have occurred if his mother's maiden name was URANUS. Now there's something to chew over when you're sitting on the toilet with your favourite book....